Good morning, my valiant early risers. The city has greeted today with the same measured restraint as a toddler on espresso. Our headline caper takes us to the Eastside Dog Park, where someone erected a tiny, velvet-roped VIP section complete with a bouncer stool and a clipboard. Several very confused corgis were turned away for…
I have lived long enough to remember when sidewalks had the decency to be treacherous. A respectable pavement once possessed cracks, heaves, and the occasional malicious tilt designed to test a person’s reflexes and character. These days, however, I step outside and am confronted with something far more sinister: perfectly smooth sidewalks stretching into the…
Good morning, my fabulous insomniacs and early birds—whichever tribe you belong to, rest assured the city did not behave itself overnight. Let’s begin with the Riverview Museum, where the gala committee unveiled the theme for their winter fundraiser: “A Night of Historical Accuracy.” Admirable in theory, catastrophic in execution. Staff arrived yesterday to find a…
Transit officials briefly cordoned off Bay Platform C on Thursday morning after an unattended umbrella positioned itself at a “decidedly purposeful angle,” prompting what one supervisor called “a disproportionate degree of municipal concern.” The object—a plain black model with a modest wooden handle—was first spotted propped upright near the timetable kiosk, its canopy furled but…
Commuters on the Bergen–Voss morning line experienced an unexpected delay yesterday when a domesticated goat wandered aboard, ascended the steps to the driver’s compartment, and refused to relinquish its position without what officials diplomatically referred to as “a formal discussion.” Witnesses said the goat appeared “purposeful” and “professionally confident,” trotting past passengers with an air…
