Good morning, you valiant veterans of another Monday. The city has awakened with the same energy as someone who swears they set their alarm for 4:30 but absolutely did not. Today’s headline misadventure comes from the Frostwick Ice Rink, where the annual “Warm Wishes Winter Kickoff” was derailed when an overzealous volunteer plugged in too…
Once, in the civilized era of my youth, a doorbell was a modest creature. It chimed politely, announcing visitors with the subdued dignity appropriate to unexpected human contact. Today, however, I find myself assaulted by a menagerie of electronic noises masquerading as greetings. Melodies! Chirps! The simulated bark of a dog who, I assure you,…
Municipal employees expecting their usual Monday morale boost were met instead with a blinking notice taped to the Town Hall water cooler that read, in shaky ink, “I NEED TIME FOR ME.” The cooler, a 12‑year veteran of public service and the backbone of countless awkward conversations, apparently entered an unapproved sabbatical at 4:52 a.m….
Patrons of the Mapleford Public Library were startled Saturday morning when the main lobby printer staged what staff are delicately calling “a nostalgic power grab,” halting all print jobs dated later than 1998 and announcing, via its display screen, “I CURATE HISTORY NOW.” The disruption began at 9:14 a.m., when college sophomore Trudy Pell attempted…
Downtown businesses enjoyed an unexpected boost to their Black Friday foot traffic when Parking Meter #27—normally a strict guardian of the town’s nickel-based discipline—unilaterally stopped accepting coins and began flashing the message “YOU’RE GOOD” to every vehicle that approached. The incident began shortly after 6:40 a.m., when bleary-eyed bargain hunter Harold Brimley attempted to feed…
