Good morning, my fabulous insomniacs and early birds—whichever tribe you belong to, rest assured the city did not behave itself overnight. Let’s begin with the Riverview Museum, where the gala committee unveiled the theme for their winter fundraiser: “A Night of Historical Accuracy.” Admirable in theory, catastrophic in execution. Staff arrived yesterday to find a…
Transit officials briefly cordoned off Bay Platform C on Thursday morning after an unattended umbrella positioned itself at a “decidedly purposeful angle,” prompting what one supervisor called “a disproportionate degree of municipal concern.” The object—a plain black model with a modest wooden handle—was first spotted propped upright near the timetable kiosk, its canopy furled but…
Commuters on the Bergen–Voss morning line experienced an unexpected delay yesterday when a domesticated goat wandered aboard, ascended the steps to the driver’s compartment, and refused to relinquish its position without what officials diplomatically referred to as “a formal discussion.” Witnesses said the goat appeared “purposeful” and “professionally confident,” trotting past passengers with an air…
The annual Squirrel Census, usually a straightforward tally of the town’s agile nut-hoarders, was suspended Wednesday after volunteers reported that several squirrels appeared to present themselves for counting. Officials stressed that while cooperation is appreciated, “unplanned interspecies coordination” falls outside the project’s current protocols. The Census began smoothly at dawn, with clipboard-equipped volunteers fanning out…
A routine crossing between Penzance and St. Michael’s Mount was disrupted yesterday when an unusually coordinated flock of seagulls commandeered the upper deck in what passengers described as a “food-motivated occupation.” Witnesses reported the birds first assembled on the railings with “deliberate choreography,” then advanced toward open chip containers in a unified front. Ferry staff…
