Mapleford residents expecting an uneventful Tuesday morning instead witnessed the first-ever organized press conference by the newly formed United Pigeons of Downtown, a group of approximately 47 birds who assembled on the roof of the Mapleford Savings & Loan to issue what they called “non-negotiable demands, but like, politely.”
The event began when a particularly assertive gray pigeon—identified by onlookers as “the one with the confident strut”—stepped forward and delivered a series of coos interpreted by local bird enthusiast Dorothy Spaniel as: “We seek fair seeds, warm ledges, and an end to offensive shooing gestures.”
Tension briefly rose when a rival sparrow collective attempted to interrupt, but the pigeons countered with a unified wing-flap that scattered the smaller delegation and, according to witnesses, “felt vaguely political.”
Among the union’s written grievances, dropped ceremoniously onto the bank’s awning, were calls for:
- Seed transparency—a clear labeling of what exactly Mapleford residents are tossing out of their pockets.
- Reasonable rooftop heating—a response to last winter’s “cold talon crisis.”
- A moratorium on yoga-in-the-park groups—citing “unpredictable leg movements.”
City Hall has refused to comment pending translation verification, though one intern admitted the pigeons’ organization level was “honestly better than last week’s zoning board.”
Negotiations are expected to be slow, primarily because half the documentation was pecked into a croissant. Nonetheless, morale is high among the birds, who ended their conference by marching in a loose figure-eight—an act observers described as “either celebratory or deeply confused.”
Residents are advised to remain calm, avoid sudden umbrella flourishes, and refrain from feeding any bird that appears to be wearing a makeshift protest sash.
