Gather ’round, my dawn-welcoming llamas, because the city wasted no time serving up fresh nonsense before anyone had even found a matching pair of socks.
First on the docket: the Maple & Mirth Holiday Market, where a local artisan debuted hand‑knitted “emotional support mittens.” Each pair ships pre‑imbued with a personality—Stoic, Overly Encouraging, or Passive‑Aggressively Festive. Naturally, chaos erupted when two shoppers both insisted the Passive‑Aggressively Festive pair had been “looking at them first.” Security intervened only after the mittens were used to gesture sharply.
Over in the transit world, commuters on the Blue Line were treated to an impromptu performance by a man who claimed to be a “licensed train psychic.” He strutted through the car offering predictions like, “You will arrive slightly later than expected,” and “Someone nearby resents your choice of backpack.” The crowd was skeptical—until he correctly forecast a surprise tunnel delay. Ridership morale remains divided.
Meanwhile, a kerfuffle unfolded at the Riverside Dog Run when a self‑important corgi staged what witnesses described as a “tiny but determined coup.” The dog allegedly climbed the bench, barked in a tone implying campaign promises, and attempted to redistribute the communal tennis balls. Order was restored only after a passing Great Dane offered to “have a word.”
And in matters of the heart: sparks flew at Plum & Crumb Bakery when two patrons reached simultaneously for the last cranberry scone. What began as a pastry standoff turned into a 20‑minute conversation about hiking, taxidermy museums, and whether or not squirrels hold grudges. Sources later spotted them sharing a hot chocolate and pretending it wasn’t a date. Sure, darlings. Sure.
That’s all for this week’s civic circus. Until next Wednesday, keep your mittens emotionally stable, your train psychics respectfully challenged, and your corgi coups firmly vetoed.
