Early Wednesday, the book return chute at the Thornbriar Public Library experienced what staff are diplomatically calling “a brief constitutional moment,” after the metal flap refused to open for patrons and displayed a handwritten note reading: “CLOSED FOR PERSONAL REFLECTION.” The note—taped from the inside, suggesting troubling dexterity—was discovered by commuter‑reader Belinda Marr, who tried…

Early commuters attempting to attend Tuesday’s budget preview meeting were briefly delayed when the Town Hall’s lone escalator staged what officials are classifying as “a firm but courteous work stoppage.” The device, normally proud of its upward momentum, halted mid‑stride at 7:06 a.m. Witnesses report a soft mechanical sigh prior to the stoppage—described variously as…

Transit officials briefly cordoned off Bay Platform C on Thursday morning after an unattended umbrella positioned itself at a “decidedly purposeful angle,” prompting what one supervisor called “a disproportionate degree of municipal concern.” The object—a plain black model with a modest wooden handle—was first spotted propped upright near the timetable kiosk, its canopy furled but…

The annual Squirrel Census, usually a straightforward tally of the town’s agile nut-hoarders, was suspended Wednesday after volunteers reported that several squirrels appeared to present themselves for counting. Officials stressed that while cooperation is appreciated, “unplanned interspecies coordination” falls outside the project’s current protocols. The Census began smoothly at dawn, with clipboard-equipped volunteers fanning out…

The ornamental fountain in Brackett Park has been shut down until further notice after witnesses reported an “unexpected increase in enthusiasm” from the central spout late Tuesday afternoon, according to Parks & Rec officials who spoke with careful diction and visibly forced smiles. The disturbance began shortly before 3 p.m., when the fountain—which typically emits…