Good morning, you valiant veterans of another Monday. The city has awakened with the same energy as someone who swears they set their alarm for 4:30 but absolutely did not. Today’s headline misadventure comes from the Frostwick Ice Rink, where the annual “Warm Wishes Winter Kickoff” was derailed when an overzealous volunteer plugged in too…
Municipal employees expecting their usual Monday morale boost were met instead with a blinking notice taped to the Town Hall water cooler that read, in shaky ink, “I NEED TIME FOR ME.” The cooler, a 12‑year veteran of public service and the backbone of countless awkward conversations, apparently entered an unapproved sabbatical at 4:52 a.m….
Patrons of the Mapleford Public Library were startled Saturday morning when the main lobby printer staged what staff are delicately calling “a nostalgic power grab,” halting all print jobs dated later than 1998 and announcing, via its display screen, “I CURATE HISTORY NOW.” The disruption began at 9:14 a.m., when college sophomore Trudy Pell attempted…
Downtown businesses enjoyed an unexpected boost to their Black Friday foot traffic when Parking Meter #27—normally a strict guardian of the town’s nickel-based discipline—unilaterally stopped accepting coins and began flashing the message “YOU’RE GOOD” to every vehicle that approached. The incident began shortly after 6:40 a.m., when bleary-eyed bargain hunter Harold Brimley attempted to feed…
Early Wednesday, the book return chute at the Thornbriar Public Library experienced what staff are diplomatically calling “a brief constitutional moment,” after the metal flap refused to open for patrons and displayed a handwritten note reading: “CLOSED FOR PERSONAL REFLECTION.” The note—taped from the inside, suggesting troubling dexterity—was discovered by commuter‑reader Belinda Marr, who tried…
