Early commuters attempting to attend Tuesday’s budget preview meeting were briefly delayed when the Town Hall’s lone escalator staged what officials are classifying as “a firm but courteous work stoppage.” The device, normally proud of its upward momentum, halted mid‑stride at 7:06 a.m. Witnesses report a soft mechanical sigh prior to the stoppage—described variously as…
Good morning, my valiant early risers. The city has greeted today with the same measured restraint as a toddler on espresso. Our headline caper takes us to the Eastside Dog Park, where someone erected a tiny, velvet-roped VIP section complete with a bouncer stool and a clipboard. Several very confused corgis were turned away for…
Good morning, my fabulous insomniacs and early birds—whichever tribe you belong to, rest assured the city did not behave itself overnight. Let’s begin with the Riverview Museum, where the gala committee unveiled the theme for their winter fundraiser: “A Night of Historical Accuracy.” Admirable in theory, catastrophic in execution. Staff arrived yesterday to find a…
Transit officials briefly cordoned off Bay Platform C on Thursday morning after an unattended umbrella positioned itself at a “decidedly purposeful angle,” prompting what one supervisor called “a disproportionate degree of municipal concern.” The object—a plain black model with a modest wooden handle—was first spotted propped upright near the timetable kiosk, its canopy furled but…
The annual Squirrel Census, usually a straightforward tally of the town’s agile nut-hoarders, was suspended Wednesday after volunteers reported that several squirrels appeared to present themselves for counting. Officials stressed that while cooperation is appreciated, “unplanned interspecies coordination” falls outside the project’s current protocols. The Census began smoothly at dawn, with clipboard-equipped volunteers fanning out…
