Early Wednesday, the book return chute at the Thornbriar Public Library experienced what staff are diplomatically calling “a brief constitutional moment,” after the metal flap refused to open for patrons and displayed a handwritten note reading: “CLOSED FOR PERSONAL REFLECTION.” The note—taped from the inside, suggesting troubling dexterity—was discovered by commuter‑reader Belinda Marr, who tried…
Early commuters attempting to attend Tuesday’s budget preview meeting were briefly delayed when the Town Hall’s lone escalator staged what officials are classifying as “a firm but courteous work stoppage.” The device, normally proud of its upward momentum, halted mid‑stride at 7:06 a.m. Witnesses report a soft mechanical sigh prior to the stoppage—described variously as…
Good morning, my valiant early risers. The city has greeted today with the same measured restraint as a toddler on espresso. Our headline caper takes us to the Eastside Dog Park, where someone erected a tiny, velvet-roped VIP section complete with a bouncer stool and a clipboard. Several very confused corgis were turned away for…
Good morning, my fabulous insomniacs and early birds—whichever tribe you belong to, rest assured the city did not behave itself overnight. Let’s begin with the Riverview Museum, where the gala committee unveiled the theme for their winter fundraiser: “A Night of Historical Accuracy.” Admirable in theory, catastrophic in execution. Staff arrived yesterday to find a…
Transit officials briefly cordoned off Bay Platform C on Thursday morning after an unattended umbrella positioned itself at a “decidedly purposeful angle,” prompting what one supervisor called “a disproportionate degree of municipal concern.” The object—a plain black model with a modest wooden handle—was first spotted propped upright near the timetable kiosk, its canopy furled but…
