Good morning, my valiant early risers. The city has greeted today with the same measured restraint as a toddler on espresso.
Our headline caper takes us to the Eastside Dog Park, where someone erected a tiny, velvet-roped VIP section complete with a bouncer stool and a clipboard. Several very confused corgis were turned away for “not being on the list.” No human claims responsibility, but one dachshund strutted through like it owned the place.
Uptown, the Department of Public Works is reeling after an “unauthorized decorative initiative” transformed six traffic cones into a barbershop quartet. Each cone now features googly eyes, faux mustaches, and sheet music printed with alarming confidence. Officials are unsure whether this counts as vandalism or community enrichment.
On the arts front, the Brightline Theater debuted its new experimental production, Waiting for the Wi‑Fi, in which actors refuse to speak until an invisible signal “stabilizes.” Opening night lasted four hours. One patron described it as “either genius or a cry for help.”
And romance? Oh, it’s simmering like forgotten soup. Two fiercely competitive crossword enthusiasts were spotted at Midnight Mug Café sharing a blueberry scone and whispering clues to each other. Witnesses described the energy as “charged,” “cryptic,” and “borderline scandalous.”
That’s today’s inventory of civic absurdity. Stay alert out there — this city loves a plot twist before breakfast.
