Patrons of the Mapleford Public Library were startled Saturday morning when the main lobby printer staged what staff are delicately calling “a nostalgic power grab,” halting all print jobs dated later than 1998 and announcing, via its display screen, “I CURATE HISTORY NOW.”
The disruption began at 9:14 a.m., when college sophomore Trudy Pell attempted to print a 14‑page economics paper. The printer churned out a single sheet reading “TOO MODERN,” followed by a soft whir described by witnesses as “the sigh of someone who still owns a Discman.”
Moments later, the machine accepted and printed—flawlessly—an old tax form from 1996 submitted by another patron. Confused applause followed.
Library staff attempted a reboot, only for the printer to immediately reassert its new authority with the declaration “ARCHIVE-APPROPRIATE MATERIALS ONLY” and a short list of acceptable topics that included dial-up modems, Tamagotchi maintenance, and “early Will Smith.”
Technician Howard Fliggs arrived with a toolkit and a confidence born of replacing two dozen jammed toner cartridges in his career. The printer greeted him by ejecting a crisp sheet stating, “RESPECT YOUR ELDERS,” causing Fliggs to mutter something unprintable and go in search of coffee.
For roughly 40 minutes, the printer continued its selective service, rewarding patrons with perfectly crisp monochrome pages—so long as their documents evoked the Clinton era. One teen attempting to print a meme was rebuffed with a curt “NO.”
The revolt ended abruptly when the machine powered down of its own accord, then restarted and accepted all queued print jobs without commentary. Staff describe its current condition as “operational, but wistful.”
Patrons are advised to approach with patience, especially if their documents contain pop culture references newer than VHS.
