MAPLEFORD — Local resident and aspiring novelist Gerald “Soft Keys” Penwarden stirred both curiosity and skepticism this weekend with the bold assertion that he has invented the quietest typewriter ever produced by human hands. The claim was made Saturday at the Mapleford Community Centre Craft Fair, moments before a crowd gathered around what appeared to be a beige typewriter wearing a knitted muffler.
Penwarden insists his invention eliminates “all audible clacking,” describing the experience of typing on it as “like a dream whispering itself onto paper.” Spectators reported hearing nothing, though several attendees—possibly out of habit—still flinched as if struck by phantom keystrokes.
“I watched him type an entire paragraph,” said witness Nadine Hollybrooke, eyes wide. “Not a sound. It was unsettling, like watching someone scream behind glass.”
Skeptics remain unconvinced. Local machinist Bert Haskins suggested the machine may simply not be working. “I looked closely. Ribbon wasn’t moving. Paper didn’t change. For all I know he was just poking a box.” Penwarden counters that words “manifest spiritually first,” and the printed version emerges only when “the universe is ready.”
Despite doubts, the Mapleford Library has already booked Penwarden for a Silent Author Reading next Tuesday, where he will present pages of unwritten prose to a respectfully confused audience. Attendees are encouraged to listen closely for meaning, or possibly nothing at all.
Whether Penwarden is a visionary, a performance artist, or a man aggressively pressing a sleeping toaster remains to be seen. One thing is certain—the town won’t rest until someone hears that typewriter, one way or another.
