A smooth, oblong stone discovered last Thursday on Elm Street has become the center of a swirling debate after residents reported that it “gives off a vibe,” prompting the Public Works Department to issue an official statement assuring the public that the rock is “almost certainly not alive.”
The object—nicknamed Rocky Balboa until legal counsel intervened—was first spotted by dog-walker Trina Wilkes, who said she felt “observed, but in a polite way.” Word spread quickly, helped along by three neighborhood group chats and one enthusiastic conspiracy blogger who claimed the rock had moved “at least an inch” between photographs.
Public Works Director Sheldon Bramble addressed the concern at a hastily assembled press briefing. “We have conducted a full assessment,” Bramble said, holding the rock as if it might attempt escape. “It is not warm, it does not hum, and it has not expressed any preferences or opinions. While we cannot guarantee the absence of supernatural attributes, we can confidently state it poses no immediate threat—unless dropped.”
Despite the reassurance, residents remained jittery. One homeowner insisted the rock “tilts just slightly toward the sunrise,” while another swore it “looks judgmental after 9 p.m.”
Ever the pragmatists, town officials placed the rock on a folding table behind the community center, where citizens may observe it under supervision. A laminated sign reads: Please do not feed the rock.
A town hall meeting is scheduled for Wednesday to determine Rocky’s long-term placement, with proposals ranging from “public art installation” to “return it to wherever it came from before it finds its cousins.”
Citizens, as always, remains alert, united, and perhaps just a tiny bit too ready for weirdness.
