Good morning, my fabulous insomniacs and early birds—whichever tribe you belong to, rest assured the city did not behave itself overnight.
Let’s begin with the Riverview Museum, where the gala committee unveiled the theme for their winter fundraiser: “A Night of Historical Accuracy.” Admirable in theory, catastrophic in execution. Staff arrived yesterday to find a herd of rented goats grazing in the lobby, accompanied by a placard reading “Medieval Sanitation Exhibit—Please Do Not Pet.” Sources claim this was the brainstorm of a committee member who “felt the evening needed more authenticity.” The goats have since unionized.
At Fogbank Station, commuters were treated to a bit of guerilla performance art: a string quartet playing nothing but the overture from The Incredibly Minor Uprising of 1842 on repeat. No one remembers that uprising, and after thirty renditions, everyone wished they still didn’t.
In matters of the heart—my favorite chaos—two rival pastry chefs were spotted cozied up at Panache Bistro, sharing a tiramisu like it was neutral territory. If these two are merging empires, brace yourself for a citywide shortage of mascarpone and a spike in smugness.
Finally, a little municipal mystery: someone has been placing tiny, impeccably crafted top hats on the heads of local pigeon statues. City Hall denies involvement. The Arts Council denies involvement. The pigeons, characteristically, declined comment.
That’s the latest swirl in our civic teacup. Sip carefully, darlings—there’s always more steeping.
