The annual Squirrel Census, usually a straightforward tally of the town’s agile nut-hoarders, was suspended Wednesday after volunteers reported that several squirrels appeared to present themselves for counting. Officials stressed that while cooperation is appreciated, “unplanned interspecies coordination” falls outside the project’s current protocols.
The Census began smoothly at dawn, with clipboard-equipped volunteers fanning out across Maplewood Park. Roughly twenty minutes in, a group of six squirrels descended from the central oak and arranged themselves in a tidy semicircle in front of Lead Counter Marla Vexley. Witnesses say the animals maintained “excellent posture” and waited patiently—an unprecedented development in a program best known for its blur of tails and evasive maneuvers.
Census Coordinator Duane Pillory attempted to continue the count but grew uneasy when two additional squirrels arrived carrying what looked like acorn caps stacked neatly like filing trays. Pillory refused to confirm whether the caps contained any form of documentation, stating only that “the Census has very strict rules about self-reporting.”
Animal Control was briefly looped in, but after observing the squirrels calmly grooming and occasionally making eye contact “as if checking our progress,” the department recommended a temporary pause. Officials emphasized that the animals displayed no aggression, though several volunteers admitted feeling “evaluated in a professional sense.”
The Census will resume once guidelines are updated to address the possibility of voluntary participation. For now, the squirrels have returned to typical frolicking behavior—albeit in noticeably symmetrical patterns.
